Kitchen Planning

Our next renovation project scares me! The kitchen is a living nightmare with some terrible drywalling problems. The pictures below don't do justice to the magnitude of the problem ahead!
Even when the walls are done, there is a very noticeable slope in the floor which we need to either correct or choose to live with. Correcting could be expensive and require us to empty the kitchen for several days (or weeks...or months!)
**Deep breath**
Let's do it!

One of the "better" walls.

See the 'hump' halfway down the wall. This is 2-3 inches deep!
"Why?", you ask. If only I knew!

And finally:

How to make the worst ever kitchen sink backsplash:

1. Gouge out the lower half of the old drywall with a pick-axe before starting.
2. Use wood, which absorbs water and stains easily.
   
3. Don't use any measuring or levelling tools.
4. Trim with left-over scraps of laminate flooring.
5. Arrange to have all of your wood cut using a blunt chainsaw, by a blind monkey having a seizure.
6. Close your eyes while you perform steps 1-5